I Want to be a Republican

I want to be a Republican. I mean, I want to. Make government small: more efficient, less wasteful. Entrust the market to do what it does best. Keep government out of our personal lives. Strong national defense. I mean, it sounds good. Sign me up!

Maybe it's the idealist in me.

The pragmatist in me knows that smaller government doesn't necessarily mean more efficient or less wasteful. I mean, we have to build roads, right? Or should private business have done that? What about the mail? Military? Schools? Health care? Police? Emergency services? Social programs? Surely there's just a single "right answer" to all these! Either they're all government or not, right? Damn, I guess it's not that simple.

The pragmatist in me knows that the market can't just go unregulated. I mean, look what happens. So, we have to have some regulations? How much regulation? Damn, this is getting hard. I was hoping for a one-size-fits-all philosophy of a free market that was always the best answer, no matter the circumstances. I think it works in theory! I guess it's not that simple.

The pragmatist in me knows that there's not really a clear line dividing my personal life and everything else. I mean, I should be able to have all kinds of dangerous weapons and booby-traps on my property, right? Wait, that affects other people. Unwary neighbors or kids who could foreseeably stumble upon my AK-47. Hm. I guess it's not that simple.

Strong national defense, that sounds good! Don't fuck with us!! USA! USA! USA! I love those awesome fighter jets and bombs I see on the history channel. Wait, what's that you say? This costs money? Shoot, that contradicts my other goal of small, efficient government. Wait, you say there's more? A huge force can't solve every international problem? But the terrorists hate us! Let's go drop bombs on them. I know what you're going to say. It's not that simple. Grrr!

I hate it when things aren't simple! It's so much easier to just believe in what I hear on the radio and see on bumper stickers, and not really think about it!

OK. I know, I know... Just because there are tradeoffs doesn't mean I shouldn't join up and help our country strive for these goals in general, even if it's not simple or one-size-fits-all. But the party seems so far removed from these ideals. They were in charge for a while. Let's see... Smaller, less wasteful government? Hmm, they haven't done a very good job there. Acknowledge that the market can't be completely unregulated, and figure out what minimum regulation is necessary, and enforce it? Fail. Keep government out of our personal lives? Prop 8. Epic fail. Strong national defense? We're spread so thin fighting an unnecessary war they started, we're probably at the weakest we've been in a long time. Thanks republicans, but the other party seems like a better fit right now.

Let me know when you're ready for me to take you seriously again. More hip-hop is a good start! And don't forget about the one-armed midgets...